This is a long story, but it is definitely worth the read...
Love and relationship knows no bounds but is there a perfect timing for love?
Falling in love is never easy nor hard but it is all about understanding your significant other that matters most.
Time after time we come to realize that time was never the problem but opening up to the other party was.
Moving on with years of relationships, friendships and love that was lost with time.
I started knowing what love was when I got myself into my first relationship with a guy my parents warned me about. In everyone's eyes he is a wasted soul, had not much goals in life and he wasn't the committed kind of person. Despite all the negativity, I saw the good side of him and believed in him that he would succeed in life one day. We spent a lot of time together and I grew to trust him with everything. Being myself and comfortable around him soon made things changed. He began to complain about all the little things such as my appearance and weight. Issues like these made me insecure of myself and I began to think a lot feeling so weak and uncomfortable about myself. On his side, he also felt pressured of my expectations out of him. Soon enough, we both realized it was too much pressure for both parties and decided to move on without each other.
He was my first true love and I gave him all my time during the years of knowing him. Even when he was 28 he still wasn't ready for a commitment. A person I have known all my life, who was always there during most of my family gatherings, I fell in love with this guy four years ago during a wedding. Even though he was in a relationship back then and I left the country, we did nothing about it. Somehow when I moved back after he ended his relationship, I didn't feel like he wanted me in his life at all. It was all along an on and off situation between us.
My relationship with an ex ended because my heart only fits him and he knows it. He would date me out and we would spend time together but somehow it made me question myself what is wrong and what is all this about. Time after time he gave me hopes and he crushed it at the same time. Too many promises broken which made me even weaker and leaving no hope for love in my heart. He was never ready for a relationship with me but whenever I am seeing someone he would appear in my life again and I would reach out back for him over and over again. Till the day I decided to move away back to Singapore I could finally stop feeling broken,not entirely but at least a part of me was keeping myself busy and not depressed.
Next I met this guy I would name my Saviour. This guy was always there for me, made me feel confident about myself and he always made me feel safe in his arms. We started out as friends through family and then more than friends. Somehow he gave me hope to believe in love again. We both were hurt in our past so we somehow drew the line by being in a 'relationship' with no strings attached. Easier said, we both needed each other in companionship and also we both honestly enjoyed each others companion. We both stayed loyal to each other despite not being in a real relationship. It was the best part of my love life and I really cared for him. Moved into his apartment and I felt like I was never upset in life and living in the moment. Even when he moved away to Australia we would still be in touch and he would travel back and forth to be closer to me.
8 wonderful months it has been till it was the end of the 'relationship' as he came to me and told me honestly that he is in love with his best friend and he intends to be in a relationship with her. Honestly, I felt like I was a glass that is shattered on the ground but I kept my cool and reminded myself that this was like a time bomb which I knew was gonna explode one day. I was grateful to him for loving and caring for me throughout my time of need for someone close. I could only tell myself to let him go slowly, cherish the good times and advise him to cherish her.
After being torn apart from one love to another, I met this guy which I call him Danger. He destroyed me emotionally and physically. During the first few months of knowing him, he swept me of my feet as he was so sweet and loving. Never did I imagine, trusting this person and moving in with him, made it an even bigger impact to me. Finding out he was cheating at first, made me confront the girl and even him. After confronting he even lost control of his temper and then slowly begged me to not leave him. I not only pretended it never happened, I later found out he was married with two kids. Out of being panic, he lied about everything and tried to convince me that he is in the midst of divorcing his wife. I tried to believe him over and over again but it was as if I was lying to myself all the while. We even planned a trip to Bandung together, it was a disastrous trip which I wish I had never gone to with him. It was a suffering 7 days trip which I regretted. During the holiday he was not even caring nor loving. I would just cry myself to sleep knowing he is being a jerk to me and that he was never the one for me.
After the trip all I could think of was to run away from this relationship but I was too weak and afraid. Afraid of being all alone back to square one again. I told him I didn't want this and to leave me alone. He did only for a few days then he started calling me and meeting me to beg me to give him a chance. One fine day when I was supposed to meet my friends, he showed up at my place and he was like a totally different person. Looking like he was filled with anger, he pushed me to the bed demanding a second chance, threw my phone to the ground and it shattered to tiny bits, held my face and told me to be with him that I am his. All I could think of was god help me cos no one else was there. I tried to calm myself but I couldn't as it was just plain scary that someone would go to this extend. After that night I told him to stay away and I slowly lied about me seeing someone else. Finally after a long while he slowly gave up and agreed to stay away from then on.
Since then, I began to feel like I was able to breathe and try to be happy again. Maybe I just don't really know what love is all about and how relationship works. I always yearn for a stable loving relationship but it just all seem to be going no where as I keep meeting the wrong person. I spend time with no one else besides my family and my best friend. Months after months I could only tell myself to focus on my career and work hard for the money because that's all that matters at this point in my life. Everyday I think and question myself, why does this happen to me? What did I do so bad in life that I deserve this in my life? All I wanted was a simple love and relationship. After all that has happened to me, I was on the verge of giving up and I even thought to myself - Maybe I just need to adopt a child and be a single mother in the near future. Why not right? That would make me much happier in life.
Recently, due to my best friend's concern of me being depressed, I was introduced to this social networking for love life called Tinder. At first I was reluctant to join as I figured I would make a fool out of myself and also guys that join this application would just be a waste of time to me. Tinder proved me wrong as the first match I had, is the guy I have been talking to for 4 months now. I would name him Hope. At first, I distant myself and figured that this was gonna be like a fairy tale which would never come true.
Somehow, getting to know each other, a complete stranger which was living so near to me was quite weird. I never imagined this day in my life in a split second just by using an application. Time flies when you are happy having this 'butterfly in your tummy' feeling each time you see the person. When I first met him I was over the moon that he wasn't some creepy old bald guy or a perverted looking guy. That is why he gave me HOPE. When we met the first few times, we would get along so well and we have some things in common. He is a shy person at first but when we open up to each other, we enjoy each other's companionship. Till today we still send text messages to each other on a daily basis.
Till his birthday, I made effort of getting to know his circle of friends and family, I even met his family soon after that. Things moved quickly at first but somehow now I'm feeling it has made him distant himself a little bit. This feeling in me after few months has got me thinking back. What if the same things happen to me again? What if he doesn't want this relationship to go to the next level? So many what ifs in my head.
For now, I am just happy to be able to get a new job,new environment, my best friend moving to a new place with me and spending most of my free time with her.
I guess in life we have to take a step at a time, cherishing the people who has never left your side nor judge you in life and always have faith in yourself as no one else can help you when you fall but yourself.
LOVE, an easy word but never an easy task to explain. It is never the same for everyone. <3
Love,
Ms.Anonymous
